Deep Thoughts With Mel: Yelling Parents

From my experience, usually by the time a parent is screaming it’s because they’ve threatened and repeated so much that they’ve finally “had enough”. They can’t handle the disobedience any longer and so they blow their tops. Where that “too much” line is can change from day to day.

But there are other reasons for yelling, too:
-I’m distracted with XYZ and I don’t have the brain-space (or time) to deal with bad kid behavior right now.
-I’ve got some sort of inner turmoil (unrelated to the kids) that’s brewing inside and bad kid behavior (even minor) throws me over the edge.
-My mom/dad yelled so that’s just how I parent.
-I feel so alone in my parenting (lack of support)– I’m so frustrated, tired, and worn– I don’t have the energy to deal with yet another bad kid behavior situation.
-My yelling seems to be the only thing that gets them to jump and move so it’s just what I use because it works.
-Yelling just feels like a quick & easy option.

Whatever the reason(s) for the yelling, what I’ve observed is: it’s setting an unrealistic example to the child on how to properly respond to all forms of authority… and to God.

Most adults and those in authority *don’t* yell to get obedience. And if they do, that’s a flaming red flag that there’s dysfunction and that we may need to withdraw from that person or organization. It’s unhealthy. It’s an abuse of power that needs to be addressed.

Typically the way it works is: someone in authority makes a request. You can choose comply and there’s generally a good consequence. You can choose not to comply, and there’s generally a negative consequence (often done swiftly). It’s taken care of calmly, matter-of-factly. It is what it is.

You didn’t do _______ so ________ happens.”

No screaming or yelling.

In fact, in all my adult-ing years I can’t remember a single person in authority ever YELLING at me or anyone else to get obedience and compliance from another.

You don’t show up for your shift… you get reprimanded.
You don’t show up for another shift… you get fired.
No yelling necessary.
It’s not rocket science– it’s just a natural consequence for poor behavior.

But here’s the thing… the boss was serious the first time. Not the second time, or a third time, or when he’s good and mad and yelling. If a boss *does* threaten and repeat and yell to get his way, that’s poor leadership and the staff needs to address the issue or hightail it outta there! That’s poor business practice.

Normal people in normal positions of authority don’t normally yell.

So why do we yell at our kids?

Listen– I am NOT trying to lay on the guilt. And I’m certainly not exempt. I’m not a perfect parent that’s perfectly calm and kind and who never yells. No one is!

But just consider this with me: really, why do we yell?

Yelling is not the standard process in the real world– the one in which our kids will be entering at age 18.

And what about God? Does *God* yell at us to get obedience? Scripture says He speaks to us in a “still small voice” (1 Kings 19:12). I’ve never heard Him yell at me. He won’t yell at my kids (or yours) either.

Here’s a fantastic article on this: https://www.gotquestions.org/still-small-voice.html

So I guess I say all this because it’s been really affecting the way I parent as of late. It’s turning into a game changer for me– and I wanted to share my thoughts on yelling in hopes that maybe it will help other parents out there, too (and reinforce the concept in my own life).

If our children are expecting the future authority figures in their lives to threaten & repeat and/or yell at them to move… they’re in for a rude awakening. It may be super hard for them to hold down a job. As a yelling parent, I am not properly preparing them for adulthood and the work force.

And as a yelling parent, I’m not properly guiding them in their adult walk with God either. They instead need to quiet their hearts and minds, listen for, and slow down to hear God. If they wait for God to yell, in a much worse way than the job force situation above, they are in for an even ruder awakening. They may very well miss what God put them on this earth to do. They may even throw in the Christianity towel so to speak because they “never hear from Him– maybe He just doesn’t care… maybe He’s not even real”.

So rather than mustering up the energy to clean up my speech in my own strength (which has never worked in the past), I’ve instead been convicted in the heart about how I am preparing them for a fruitful adult life in the workforce and a fruitful walk with God. Somehow, in this paradigm shift to “future focus”, I’m much more able in the here-and-now to be patient and calm and matter-of-fact in my parenting.

I expect ________.
If you don’t do _______ then ________ is your consequence.

No yelling. No heated debate. No arguing.

Just plain natural consequences.

If we can learn to lead from natural consequences, then when our kids leave our homes and our authority: they’ll be ready… they’ll be prepared… they’ll have been trained to listen (the first time).

When I stick to natural consequences: it works! And I’m finding it actually requires a *quarter* of the energy that yelling does! The hardest energy requirement is having to stop & use my brain to look for the suitable consequence (which can take a bit of ingenuity).

I am SUCH a work in progress, y’all. I’ve got a long way to go. But I’m not a failure– just in training. And I’m SO glad that I have been made aware. That’s really what I’m wanting for all of us– to become aware, like *really aware* of how we are preparing our children for their future.

We need to pray for God’s help and creativity in parenting.
We need to be clear to our children on what our expectations are.
We need to begin allowing natural consequences for their disobedience to occur.
We need to stick to our guns and trust the process.

But awareness is always the first step.

Live awakened. Live fully alive.

Back To School

I don’t know about you, but I’m really feeling the pressure and urgency of the whole back to school thing.

Back-To-School-Pic

We homeschool our children, but our oldest two kids (ages 15 & almost 14) take one class at the local public school. Our son is taking a class so he can play tennis. Our daughter is taking choir because she LOVES music & singing.

So (1) class each and (1) sport for my son. That’s it. And I’m SHOCKED at all the stuff that needs to get done prior to starting classes. My head starts hurting when I think of what parents of full-time public schoolers must have to deal with. I truly feel for you! The process is no joke.

Hair cuts, school registration (hallelujah, it’s all online this year! An introverts dream come true!), tennis registration (online, too, for the win!), sports physical, homeschool transcripts made, Freshman orientation, talking with the guidance counselors, getting lockers/combos, getting their tablets, eye exams, clothes shopping, school supply shopping, etc.

I’ve kinda been swimming in school stuff lately.
How are you other parents doing?
Hanging in there?

Shout out to our local school district, though! They have been absolutely phenomenal to work with. What a blessing! Being a homeschooling family, I was a little nervous about interacting with the school corporation. But they have been SO welcoming, SO helpful, SO caring. I’ve asked a bazillion questions and they’ve been so patient to answer each and every one of them. Even with our schooling situation being unique, they’ve been SO accommodating. I honestly cannot say enough positive things about our local school district. They’ve been just fantastic!

This post is rambling, but I suppose I’m in a rambling mood. Working on school stuff now and so I wanted to write about it. Ha, maybe a needed distraction I suppose.

So hang in there mom’s and dad’s! Try to enjoy these last few days of summer with your kiddos before they head back to school. And I hope it’s not too stressful for you as you prepare.

Live awakened. Live fully alive.

#backtoschool   #highschool   #homeschooling   #publicschooling   #hanginthere   #enjoyyourkids   #lastdaysofsummer

How Introverts “Bond”

So this evening, my hubby took (6) of our little ducklings out of town for some Christmas shopping, leaving my eldest son and I alone at home. This is a rarity.

Not sure how many of you, my readers, are Myers-Brigg’s nuts, but I am an INFJ and my son is an INTJ. We are so similar… we either are two peas in a pod cuz we “get” each other, or we drive each other crazy cuz we’re too similar (thankfully, usually the former). 🙂

We seem to be the oddballs out of the rest of our gang. Most everyone else here is extroverted and/or strong-willed and/or assertive and/or loud. My son and I are the quiet ones that need a crap-ton of alone time to rejuvenate, are moody, take a long time to chill, and are totally cool with zoning out from the world with our laptops.

Being in a large family can be a bit trying for us, for sure, sometimes.

But this evening has been a glorious break from the hum-drum of normal life. I surprised my son by picking him up after basketball practice (he was expecting to walk home), I treated him to Subway for dinner (he freakin’ LOVES sandwiches), watched Zack King for our dinner entertainment (a digital/filming genius), and now, we’re both in the kitchen, on our own laptops, in our own little worlds (mine: school prep & blogging… my son: playing diep.io.), completely content & happy. We’re bonding. And it’s great fun. Our love tanks are being filled by each quiet moment that passes. And tomorrow, we will feel extremely close to one another and we’ll forever remember this evening as a beautiful night together.

It’s SO fun having a kid that totally understands me, and I him.

Here are a few humorous cartoons describing the inner world of an introvert. LOL

 

Any other introverts out there that are TOTALLY cool with an evening at home alone?!!!

Brief Miscellan-ey

Not too shabby for my 11 year old & 7 year old sons!
They can def make a mean salad.

2015-10-07 18.23.02

———————————————————–

This summer, my children have taken it upon themselves to keep praying mantises as pets. Not sure how it’s been elsewhere in the US, but where we live, there has been a crazy number of them in our yard! They’re actually kinda cute… for a bug.

We had a male, Camo, but he recently died for unknown causes. Our female, Maple, however is thriving and just recently laid her egg sac! We knew she was “with child” when we saw her eating her partner. Very gruesome.

Anyways, we now have an egg sac. We took it outside so it can winter safely and perhaps we can watch it hatch in the spring. Kids are wanting very much to have future mantis pets.

2015-10-07 17.40.01

———————————————————————-

And finally, I have picked up yoga this summer/fall. I am *really* liking it as it is extremely calming and healing. Since I struggle with anxiety, it has been wonderful getting introduced to yoga.

Any other yogi’s out there?