From my experience, usually by the time a parent is screaming it’s because they’ve threatened and repeated so much that they’ve finally “had enough”. They can’t handle the disobedience any longer and so they blow their tops. Where that “too much” line is can change from day to day.
But there are other reasons for yelling, too:
-I’m distracted with XYZ and I don’t have the brain-space (or time) to deal with bad kid behavior right now.
-I’ve got some sort of inner turmoil (unrelated to the kids) that’s brewing inside and bad kid behavior (even minor) throws me over the edge.
-My mom/dad yelled so that’s just how I parent.
-I feel so alone in my parenting (lack of support)– I’m so frustrated, tired, and worn– I don’t have the energy to deal with yet another bad kid behavior situation.
-My yelling seems to be the only thing that gets them to jump and move so it’s just what I use because it works.
-Yelling just feels like a quick & easy option.
Whatever the reason(s) for the yelling, what I’ve observed is: it’s setting an unrealistic example to the child on how to properly respond to all forms of authority… and to God.
Most adults and those in authority *don’t* yell to get obedience. And if they do, that’s a flaming red flag that there’s dysfunction and that we may need to withdraw from that person or organization. It’s unhealthy. It’s an abuse of power that needs to be addressed.
Typically the way it works is: someone in authority makes a request. You can choose comply and there’s generally a good consequence. You can choose not to comply, and there’s generally a negative consequence (often done swiftly). It’s taken care of calmly, matter-of-factly. It is what it is.
You didn’t do _______ so ________ happens.”
No screaming or yelling.
In fact, in all my adult-ing years I can’t remember a single person in authority ever YELLING at me or anyone else to get obedience and compliance from another.
You don’t show up for your shift… you get reprimanded.
You don’t show up for another shift… you get fired.
No yelling necessary.
It’s not rocket science– it’s just a natural consequence for poor behavior.
But here’s the thing… the boss was serious the first time. Not the second time, or a third time, or when he’s good and mad and yelling. If a boss *does* threaten and repeat and yell to get his way, that’s poor leadership and the staff needs to address the issue or hightail it outta there! That’s poor business practice.
Normal people in normal positions of authority don’t normally yell.
So why do we yell at our kids?
Listen– I am NOT trying to lay on the guilt. And I’m certainly not exempt. I’m not a perfect parent that’s perfectly calm and kind and who never yells. No one is!
But just consider this with me: really, why do we yell?
Yelling is not the standard process in the real world– the one in which our kids will be entering at age 18.
And what about God? Does *God* yell at us to get obedience? Scripture says He speaks to us in a “still small voice” (1 Kings 19:12). I’ve never heard Him yell at me. He won’t yell at my kids (or yours) either.
Here’s a fantastic article on this: https://www.gotquestions.org/still-small-voice.html
So I guess I say all this because it’s been really affecting the way I parent as of late. It’s turning into a game changer for me– and I wanted to share my thoughts on yelling in hopes that maybe it will help other parents out there, too (and reinforce the concept in my own life).
If our children are expecting the future authority figures in their lives to threaten & repeat and/or yell at them to move… they’re in for a rude awakening. It may be super hard for them to hold down a job. As a yelling parent, I am not properly preparing them for adulthood and the work force.
And as a yelling parent, I’m not properly guiding them in their adult walk with God either. They instead need to quiet their hearts and minds, listen for, and slow down to hear God. If they wait for God to yell, in a much worse way than the job force situation above, they are in for an even ruder awakening. They may very well miss what God put them on this earth to do. They may even throw in the Christianity towel so to speak because they “never hear from Him– maybe He just doesn’t care… maybe He’s not even real”.
So rather than mustering up the energy to clean up my speech in my own strength (which has never worked in the past), I’ve instead been convicted in the heart about how I am preparing them for a fruitful adult life in the workforce and a fruitful walk with God. Somehow, in this paradigm shift to “future focus”, I’m much more able in the here-and-now to be patient and calm and matter-of-fact in my parenting.
I expect ________.
If you don’t do _______ then ________ is your consequence.
No yelling. No heated debate. No arguing.
Just plain natural consequences.
If we can learn to lead from natural consequences, then when our kids leave our homes and our authority: they’ll be ready… they’ll be prepared… they’ll have been trained to listen (the first time).
When I stick to natural consequences: it works! And I’m finding it actually requires a *quarter* of the energy that yelling does! The hardest energy requirement is having to stop & use my brain to look for the suitable consequence (which can take a bit of ingenuity).
I am SUCH a work in progress, y’all. I’ve got a long way to go. But I’m not a failure– just in training. And I’m SO glad that I have been made aware. That’s really what I’m wanting for all of us– to become aware, like *really aware* of how we are preparing our children for their future.
We need to pray for God’s help and creativity in parenting.
We need to be clear to our children on what our expectations are.
We need to begin allowing natural consequences for their disobedience to occur.
We need to stick to our guns and trust the process.
But awareness is always the first step.
Live awakened. Live fully alive.